The Worst Sales Letter of the Year

A very bright guy I know in Philadelphia recently forwarded me a sales letter that may very well be the worst of 2014 ... though we still have four more months for someone to prove me wrong.

He wrote, "Thought you might want to take a look at what is spinning currently in the online marketing world. I would love to figure out what it means. Perhaps you can discern how it works. It also could be a topic for your column."

I quickly responded.

To: [A very bright guy I know in Philly]
From: Denny Hatch

A topic for my column? You betcha. I plan to run it blind—no names of senders, recipients or companies. Just the text of the letter.

This is a pants-wetter. I love it!

Do keep in touch!

Cheers.

The Letter

John,

I missed you in the office today when I called. I would like to set up an appointment with you as soon as possible to discuss some enterprise marketing solutions that are leading the industry.

I want to bring you up to speed on what we are doing to shorten the distance between advertising dollars spend and ROI with today's digital marketing. If you are like my other advertisers, you will like the targeted buyer-behavior-based-marketing-campaigns that are leading the industry with great quality engagement all across the web. We now have almost a year on these campaigns and I am so excited to say that we are exceeding industry averages in results on every campaign we have because of the additional proprietary data we use to target your right buyers. Guaranteed impressions to the right buyer with measurable results and emailed lead reports to you every day are standard in our full service campaigns!