Every Executive Needs a Copywriter
This should be a short, red-hot communication that is immediately understood. Instead, voters received a 422-word lesson explaining the arcane workings of the Electoral College. Only a policy wonk would make sense of this gibberish.
Misleading Subject Line
"A really big deal" sounds like an investment opportunity. It has no relation to the actual message.
The Incomprehensible, Blah Lede Sentence
Right now, Republicans in our state are trying to diminish Pennsylvania's importance in future presidential elections—meaning that the issues that are important to you and me will get less attention at the national level.
Of this monstrous 35-word sentence, nine words (more than 25 percent) have three syllables or more.
Republicans — diminish — Pennsylvania's — importance — presidential — elections — important — attention — national
Using the words "importance" and "important" in the same sentence is sloppy prose.
The average American voter—able to read at the level of an eighth grader or below—would have a one-word question: "Huh?"
The entire email is blather. A position paper. No research. No specifics.
The Response Mechanism
This is direct marketing. Governor Rendell wants a response. He gives the reader one option: use the phone.
Personally, I avoid the phone. I am a "write guy," not a "talk guy." I would respond by email or not at all.
Others might like to use snail mail—a letter or postcard. Or possibly a fax.
The point is, when you ask for an order, it is imperative to make it easy to respond in the method most convenient to the prospect.
I Took the Liberty of Rewriting Gov. Rendell's Email
Remember, this is coming from the most famous politician in the state of Pennsylvania. Ed Rendell would not lie or do anything to hurt his reputation.